Which do you see?

One sidewalk, two perspectives. Do you see the beginning, or do you see the end?

I drive by this sidewalk almost every single day, yet for some reason today was different. It struck me suddenly that there were two different ways to look at this everyday scene. Just like life. Except life is relative to the person’s choices. You can choose to see it one way or a different way or even another different way. Most of them time we see our choices as being definitives which we have no control over. One thing forced us to do another thing which led to another thing which led to our present condition or decision. A decision is like being between a rock and a hard place, and we end up lamenting that we “had no choice” or “didn’t have much of a choice.” Is that really true?

You tell me.

Peace.

Is it really Saturday?

I ask that because today was actually really, really enjoyable and downright nice. A completely uncharacteristic Saturday for me.

It began with my first job, the kennel job, and that started out rather… intensely. I got stuck in the middle of a dog fight between a boxer and a lab. My pinky finger took a beating and I may lose a fingernail (that might actually be a great way to stop my nail biting habit, get rid of the fingernails entirely haa) but other than that, no harm done. You can find a photo somewhere on my Twitter feed if you’re curious. It’s a pretty sweet wound, if I do say so myself. ;) The dogs really are wonderful, and I love love love watching them interact and play and spray the hose for them to chase.

Then I had to go to my second job, the one I haven’t said anything good about lately, and I can honestly say I had a good time there, too. Unbelievable, to me at least, but true. I had a different job today, so it wasn’t the norm, and I think that, + having a bit of a break from the place, has helped. Who knows if my feelings will change about the place, but tonight was a good night at work and that’s all that matters.

My manager stopped me before I left tonight and said something along the lines of “You have a great personality and are very mature. We need more workers like you on the floor.” Apart from appreciating the compliment (it was really nice of him to actually pull me aside and tell me, I thought), it got me thinking about maturity levels and how much I’ve changed. I’ve always been what I term a ‘late-bloomer’ in nearly every aspect of my life: becoming socially adept, making friends, taking interest in my appearance, trying different styles & new ideas, getting a job, getting my license, etc. Always have I been behind my peers in these things in my life, both physically and mentally. Honestly, I still feel that way but that’s another story. Another term I used every now and then to describe myself in these things was immature, and naive.

Perhaps I’m mature in my work ethic and professionality and sense of ethics and responsibility; I have little doubt of that. Personally, however, I have a long way to go to use the term ‘mature’ on myself. Developing myself, creating myself, finding my passion, you name it. No short process, that’s for sure.

It’s a journey towards peace. Or is it?

…peace.

 

The Butterfly Effect

It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world – Chaos Theory

Has anyone else seen this movie? What do you think of it? I watched it last night for the first time and I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

The different life paths we take and could have taken have always intrigued me. If we had taken a different way home that one day last week, if we hadn’t said hi to that person across the street, if we hadn’t decided to run that red light… and so on. For me, I’ve often wondered, what if my biological mother hadn’t been an alcoholic? What if I hadn’t been so blessed as to be adopted by the wonderful family I have now? What if I hadn’t created an account on YouTube and met that group of agility juniors? What if I had never spoke up to that girl across from me in my 9th grade English class, who was reading a book based off of my favorite show at the time? How would a different decision or decisions in the past create a different future(s)?

Yeah, it’s stupid to think about what could have been, but interesting at the same time. Of course we can’t change the past, even though Ashton Kutcher in the movie managed to do so. We don’t have the luxury of having time-moving mind powers. We can always wonder and take guesses but the truth is we really only have one chance to make a decision. One day, one hour, one minute, one second. Once a second passes, it’s over and we’ll never get it back. Did I make that second valuable, or did I waste it? I guess we never know until after the fact, until the “future” is here and we are once again making a decision about what to do or say or how to act, etc. There’s a tricky dilemma for you: every decision affects your future, but your future is always your present.

One little known secret to making precisely the right move, at precisely the right time in your life is knowing that in all cases, there is more than one right move and more than one right time. Lots and lots more. – The Universe

Peace.

The Dreaded ‘C’ Word

Change.

Change.

Change.

A couple facts about me:

1. I dislike change. More specifically, I hate adjusting to ‘new’ things after I’ve gotten comfortable with how things currently are. I have a hard time understanding why certain things need to change when they’ve been working so well.

2. I’m afraid to make mistakes. I’ve never been a perfectionist (not in my eyes, at least, and I’ve never been called that) but I’m afraid of social/public humiliation, especially when the pressure/expectations are high. This is why I’ve never been a fan of sports like softball and volleyball, which require one player at a time to be “highlighted” so to speak. Put on the spot. I hate being put on the spot.

3. I tend to put people on a pedestal and make them ‘more than’ human (or something like that). Seeing someone do something perfectly, or even making mistakes with ease, puts them as ‘good’ or ‘perfect’ in my messed up little head. For some reason, the mistakes they do make are minimized in my head. I see them do something so good, that who cares if they made one little trip-up? I guess you could say I compare myself to them, too, which is never a good habit and one I’m trying very hard to overcome.There is one thing I’ve been trying to get through my head for the past 2-3 years, since I finally grew a backbone and opened my eyes:

WE’RE ALL HUMAN.
(Wow, imagine that.)

[This is actually a sort of mixture between two posts I’ve had in mind (one from this weekend & one from tonight), so bear with me. Also, I’m running on too much mental stimulation for the day (not good, for an introvert) and not enough rest for my body. Not a good combination. Two reasons to forgive me if I don’t seem to make sense.]

 This weekend was probably the worst weekend I’ve had at my almost-4yrs long job (4yrs in August). The stress, the emotional ups & downs (mainly from angry to calm, over and over and over again, with frustration thrown in there to spice things up, oh and annoyance, can’t forget that. wow that is way too many commas in on sentence), the lack of respect and appreciation I feel from my managers, the idiocy of people – my temper & tolerance level has dropped far below what I even thought possible for me at this particular job, which I used to absolutely love. I’m not happy there anymore. I dread going to work. I get annoyed easier, faster. There’s too much change going on, and I just don’t feel part of the team anymore. Honestly, I believe I’m burnt out.

[See fact #1 above]

I think it is time for a change. As in, another job, another start, a new experience. I dislike the idea of starting out as ‘the newbie.’ I don’t like stepping out of the place where I’ve come to be comfortable in, that I know almost like the back of my hand, and that I made so many friends and met so many neat, interesting, inspiring people (and some unsavories as well). But nothing stays the same. Life goes on, with or without me. The difference is whether or not I’m happy, whether or not I decide what happens next, whether or not I decide to go on with it or stay in the past. And we can’t stay in the past, live in the past. I can wish all day and night for things to be back the way they were before, when my favorite manager of all time was there, and all the workers loved their job as much as I did, but the truth is: it’s not going to happen. The past will stay in the past. I can only look at what is ahead, even if it is a scary, dark, tunnel with some sort of illusion or truth of light at the end. To make a life worth living, I have to move forward. Because either I’ll be unhappy stuck in ‘what used to be’ or I’ll be happy I took the chance to make ‘what could be.’

Fact of life. Be thankful for what you’ve experienced and then move on.

 “Maybe it’s time to change,
and leave it all behind.
I’ve never been one to walk alone,
I’ve always been scared to try.”

“Nothing stays the same. Maybe it’s time to change.”

Peace.