The Dreaded ‘C’ Word

Change.

Change.

Change.

A couple facts about me:

1. I dislike change. More specifically, I hate adjusting to ‘new’ things after I’ve gotten comfortable with how things currently are. I have a hard time understanding why certain things need to change when they’ve been working so well.

2. I’m afraid to make mistakes. I’ve never been a perfectionist (not in my eyes, at least, and I’ve never been called that) but I’m afraid of social/public humiliation, especially when the pressure/expectations are high. This is why I’ve never been a fan of sports like softball and volleyball, which require one player at a time to be “highlighted” so to speak. Put on the spot. I hate being put on the spot.

3. I tend to put people on a pedestal and make them ‘more than’ human (or something like that). Seeing someone do something perfectly, or even making mistakes with ease, puts them as ‘good’ or ‘perfect’ in my messed up little head. For some reason, the mistakes they do make are minimized in my head. I see them do something so good, that who cares if they made one little trip-up? I guess you could say I compare myself to them, too, which is never a good habit and one I’m trying very hard to overcome.There is one thing I’ve been trying to get through my head for the past 2-3 years, since I finally grew a backbone and opened my eyes:

WE’RE ALL HUMAN.
(Wow, imagine that.)

[This is actually a sort of mixture between two posts I’ve had in mind (one from this weekend & one from tonight), so bear with me. Also, I’m running on too much mental stimulation for the day (not good, for an introvert) and not enough rest for my body. Not a good combination. Two reasons to forgive me if I don’t seem to make sense.]

 This weekend was probably the worst weekend I’ve had at my almost-4yrs long job (4yrs in August). The stress, the emotional ups & downs (mainly from angry to calm, over and over and over again, with frustration thrown in there to spice things up, oh and annoyance, can’t forget that. wow that is way too many commas in on sentence), the lack of respect and appreciation I feel from my managers, the idiocy of people – my temper & tolerance level has dropped far below what I even thought possible for me at this particular job, which I used to absolutely love. I’m not happy there anymore. I dread going to work. I get annoyed easier, faster. There’s too much change going on, and I just don’t feel part of the team anymore. Honestly, I believe I’m burnt out.

[See fact #1 above]

I think it is time for a change. As in, another job, another start, a new experience. I dislike the idea of starting out as ‘the newbie.’ I don’t like stepping out of the place where I’ve come to be comfortable in, that I know almost like the back of my hand, and that I made so many friends and met so many neat, interesting, inspiring people (and some unsavories as well). But nothing stays the same. Life goes on, with or without me. The difference is whether or not I’m happy, whether or not I decide what happens next, whether or not I decide to go on with it or stay in the past. And we can’t stay in the past, live in the past. I can wish all day and night for things to be back the way they were before, when my favorite manager of all time was there, and all the workers loved their job as much as I did, but the truth is: it’s not going to happen. The past will stay in the past. I can only look at what is ahead, even if it is a scary, dark, tunnel with some sort of illusion or truth of light at the end. To make a life worth living, I have to move forward. Because either I’ll be unhappy stuck in ‘what used to be’ or I’ll be happy I took the chance to make ‘what could be.’

Fact of life. Be thankful for what you’ve experienced and then move on.

 “Maybe it’s time to change,
and leave it all behind.
I’ve never been one to walk alone,
I’ve always been scared to try.”

“Nothing stays the same. Maybe it’s time to change.”

Peace.