It’s Actually Happening

I’m in a daze. My brain is telling me that I’m just on break. From classes, that is. Like Easter break or Christmas break or something. It doesn’t feel like the “end-of-the-semester, see ya in the fall” sort of thing either. But in reality this is it. Four years of college have flown by.

I graduate tomorrow. I get my diploma, my degree tomorrow. Undergrad will be no more.

What is this that is happening?!?!?!

Like I said, I think I’m in shock, or disbelief, or something.

Bruce6

I’ve mentioned it previously. This summer, the move, the future, the uncertainties, the adventure, the risks, the unknown. It makes my heart pound thinking about it. It’s scary. And I’ve never been one to go toward things that I’m afraid of. But this one is different. This time I know it is the right thing, despite the intimidation, it is what I want to do and I know I have to do it.

This summer I’m going to work and save money. Any money I make from photo shoots are going toward my moving fund. I need every penny, every dollar, I can get. But I want to cherish these last weeks in my hometown as well. I want to enjoy time with Ashley and Amber. I want to take photos. I want to put this place in my mind as important, solidify it and not forget about where I came from. Okay, so that might cheesy. But it’s how I feel.

DogsMay6th-5

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I’m on the frontline, don’t worry I’ll be fine.
The story is just beginning.
I say goodbye to my weakness, so long to the regret.
And now I see the world through diamond eyes.”

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DogsMay6th-9

Anyway, tomorrow is going to be the end of my undergrad career. And I am so so so ready for it be over. I really didn’t think I’d make it through that last semester. But somehow I accomplished it, I pulled off good grades. And I think I’m finally starting to realize that I don’t give myself enough credit, and that I underestimate myself. I can’t believe I did it. I did it.

~

Other news. They’re thinking about bringing 24 back. As a limited series TV show on FOX. Well, they say it is official, that it really is coming back. But I don’t believe it. Maybe because it’s too good to be true. Maybe because I don’t want it to be true, because it’s scary: It can’t be like the actual show. And I don’t want a “limited series” (what the heck IS that, anyway?!) to *ruin* the show for me. Although that’s a dumb thought too because 24 is 24 and will always always always be important to me, in and of itself. But a 12-episode show of 24? That makes absolutely no sense to me. 24 is 24 precisely because of the number 24. Not the number 12. I guess they could crunch it somehow and make 2 hours of the show’s world into 1 hour of our world. But seriously? Agh it’s such a contradictory feeling for me! There’s no way I *wouldn’t* be able to watch it if it is really “coming back.” But…. idk.

Hope you enjoyed my mind vomit on that little issue. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on it later. For now…..

Peace.

A poem

When I look at myself,
What do I see?
What are all the things
That add up to ME?
Not always approval,
That is for sure –
(My motives and actions
Are not always pure;)
Nor complete self-abasement,
There has to be more.
Though solving the puzzle
Can be quite a chore.
Assembling the pieces,
Assembling each one,
And filtering together
Till the picture is done.
Then, with an effort,
I must make myself see
That this is a portrait
Of the real ME.
Some colors are bright,
While others are grey,
My task is now
To accept things that way.
Where I need improvement,
I’ll change if I can,
But just at the moment –
This is the person I AM! 

By: Honoria (Nora) A. Groves
Peace.

A letter to me…

Did anyone notice my new page? If not, go take a look and tell me what you think. Then go start your own list. I know you’ll want to. It’s such an awesome concept.

Tonight I accomplished #17 on my list: Write a letter to myself to read after this project.

I put it in an envelope, dated it for the future, and addressed it to myself. The one thing I’m worried about is keeping track of it until 2015. Amazing how that seems so far away. Yet in 2009, the year I graduated high school, 2013 (the year I hope to graduate from college) looked pretty dang far away, too. Sobering fact.

I’ve also begun #54: Build my photography portfolio. I do need to add one more thing to my list, so if you have any ideas or suggestions please leave a comment or tweet me @24Freak.

~

I’ve mentioned this amazing woman before, but I must reiterate this. I highly suggest you follow Liz at be.love.live. if for no other reason than to keep up with her story of her personal journey towards peace and the person she is today. Her daily words alone inspire and awe me, and I am so excited to get this insight into her life. And if that doesn’t interest you, follow her for the amazing photos and quotes she posts almost daily. Her happiness and love for life is breathtaking and decidingly contagious.

~

Thanks to Tracie Louise, I have begun a small collection of books by Wayne Dyer, and intend to read through each one slowly and methodically, soaking up everything I can. If there’s anything I’ve learned though… anybody can tell you anything to try and help you, but YOU are the only person who can take those words of advice and put them into action and really make a difference to you.

Erroneous: (adjective) marked by error; mistaken; wrong or incorrect

The chapter I read prior to opening my MacBook was entitled, “You Don’t Need Their Approval.” In it he outlined the difference between appreciating other-approval and needing it, the history explaining where it comes from, and then ways to combat it. This chapter really hit home with me because I found many examples he used to describe approval-seeking behaviors as eerily similar to what I used to do a lot in the past, and still find myself somewhat fighting nowadays:

  • Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with you.
  • Apologizing for yourself all the time.
  • Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not being able to say no.
  • Getting permission to do something from someone because you fear the displeasure of that person.

……….and others, but I think you get the picture.

It is ridiculous, I know, and I am ashamed to admit that I used to (still do, just not as much) need the approval of others for nearly everything I did, say, do, bought, etc. It wasn’t until a year or so ago that I realized I couldn’t go on living trying to please every single person I may or may not come into contact with, because if anything is impossible, it is that.

 

It’s interesting that Liz is writing her memoir about how she got where she is today, the obstacles she overcame, the transformations she went through, the conflicts she faced both internally and externally. And here I am, struggling through that process right now, stumbling and tripping, soaring and sobbing, trying to find that ever-elusive thing called peace. I’m not assuming that Liz is where she wants to be, though I applaud her if she is. I see this as a journey that never ends –> the only thing that matters is whether or not you are happy with where you are right now, and whether or not it is where you want to be.

Peace.

It’s Your Journey

“…wishing, hoping, & regretting are the most common and dangerous tactics for evading the present.” – Wayne Dyer

(I think worrying should be on that list.)

“Feelings are reactions you choose to have.” – Wayne Dyer

Conclusion: You choose what you feel, no matter what the circumstances, and you only have now to decide how to feel. Yesterday is done and gone, tomorrow is never guaranteed. Cliche, perhaps, but true nonetheless. Sounds like a challenge. What do  you think?

I know I’m tired of the stress, the worry, the feelings of insecurity about my future and regrets about what I should have done or could have done differently in the past. I’m tired of thinking, deep down, “I wish I had had a different childhood.” Because what good will it do now? None… zip, zero, zilch. Life is a journey: your journey, my journey, our journey. What is more important than the life you have now? The journey you are on right at this moment?

Keep a close eye on Liz’s blog. Click the little follow button in the upper left corner and read about her journey towards inner peace.

Peace.

If you had one shot to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?

Today started off with some exciting, nerve wracking, and almost overwhelming opportunities. Since I posted two photos of Mr. Jaiden on Facebook, I have gotten numerous requests for photos. Including one that is over the top – a wedding. Okay, so she said it was going to be a small, simple wedding… still, a wedding. Wow. I didn’t know what to think or do when I read that message. What a crazii and exciting opportunity! That I still don’t know what to think of. :P

I’ve just gotta jump on it, take the plunge. See what happens. Learn from it. Explore and break down my boundaries. This summer – actually beginning with Jaiden’s photos – I am building my portfolio. It is the first step. (:

~

On other news, I apologize for the rather short posts lately. I feel like I’ve been putting less priority on my blog posts than I did while classes were in session. Not sure why that is.

Ashley did an awesome post that you should probably go read for fun (no pun intended). I finished my Jodi Picoult book while soaking in a hot bath. I’ve noticed that I’ve really enjoyed doing that lately. The next book I picked up was another trusty Sandra Brown novel, Chill Factor. I’ve read her books before, and though she’s not my favorite author, I like the twists she puts at the end of her books. It keeps me hooked and kudos to her for that. (: Who’s your favorite author? Why?

Quick update on Vicki aka Kiki (thanks Nicole! I like it better. (:) – She has a soft case of kennel cough so it’ll be a few days before she gets to settle into what is hopefully a much comfier temporary home for her than the cold kennel at the shelter.

~

So I’m running short on time right now, since it is 11:43:04pm right now, but I have to mention this last thing.

I often have reservations about choices I’ve made, like for instance, taking in Vicki. As soon as I had called Wade – the coordinator – and settled it with him, I began thinking, What if she doesn’t fit in? What if she doesn’t get along with our dogs, or vice versa? What if I can’t help her? And with my photography: What if I can’t meet their expectations (for instance, at the wedding)? What if I don’t get any good shots? What if my clients are dissatisfied with my work? Notice that these are all ‘what-if’ questions. And I know I can’t live life questioning “what if?” but it is still a difficult habit to overcome. My boyfriend said to me today before work, “You’re the only one who doesn’t have confidence in your work, but everyone else loves it.” Why is that, Heather?

Hmmm… something to chew on. And another mountain to overcome. We are our own worst enemies.

Peace.