I’ve realized something in the past week. Sort of like a lightbulb moment but more gradual. I call it stepping over a line. A line that I’ve seen in the distance, like a mirage, fading in and out while I get closer. In the end the line is real, it is there, in front of me, and that is where I stop. Even though I use the word “lines,” they’re not so easy to step over. More like a wall that appears to stretch all the way to the sky. However once I get to the top of that ‘wall’ the drop is nothing at all. And looking over my shoulder I see nothing but the ground I’ve been walking on, flat as a rug, as if nothing was every there. That is what I call stepping over a line. A necessity.
Every line I’ve come up to has taken tears, hard work, and feelings of hopelessness and loss. None of them have been obvious, glaring points that I have known to come to. Each line has only been shown to me after I’ve faced, discovered, or learned something or a sequence of somethings. Prerequisites that are inevitable, sometimes harsh, and can never be skipped. It’s like flipping to Chapter 34 of a chemistry textbook without looking over Chapter 1-33. You can read it, you might be able to answer basic questions about the information, but you won’t truly understand it without the necessary stuff the precedes it. Simple as that.
The line I stepped over isn’t as big as some of my past ones but there is a reason I haven’t found it before now. What that reason might be, I don’t know.
I realized that I haven’t, in my 21 years, accepted me as who I am. And on that matter, I haven’t figured out who I am.
I’ve been doing a lot of wring in my journal the past couple days, trying to connect with myself. It comes and goes. But I can only hope that this is a starting point.
On a lighter note, leave a comment telling me your top 5 favorite apps. Leaning towards iPhone apps, as that is what I use, but any app will do. Just tell me what you like!