It’s suddenly hit me

In roughly a month, I am going to be leaving undergraduate college.

Oh.my.gosh.

And when I say leaving, I mean it. Everything I have to get done, the papers due, the grades & credits rolling in to meet the requirements…. I. Am. Leaving. And I am dead set on that.

Since that has happened, the stress has pretty much wiped away. In place of it is determination. Cautious determination, yes, because I *do* still have an entire month to get through as well as a ton of stuff to do before then, but a determination nonetheless. Tonight I wrote over six pages of my senior thesis project that I’ve been seriously lagging behind on. I submitted my second draft to my advisor and am halfway finished with my third draft. (Not sure if he requires 3 or 4 drafts before the final draft, but whatever). I know what time I am presenting at the required conference school thingy (ugh). I have to submit some things to a few professors for my grad school application. I’ve begun apartment searching in Colorado (eek! omg! aaahhh!) and thinking about what it will be like to live on my own (holy crap).

And my mindset. Ah that determined mindset. It’s a strange, scary thing, that’s for sure. But there’s a path in front of me that I know I need to take and I will do it. I can’t let my fears stop me or my past mistakes and regrets slow me down. Take what is in front of you. Take what you want. It will be worth it.

Peace.

Thoughts on a Sunday

Day23

“He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.”

~

Life has been hectic lately. It goes like that, in stages. Busy, calm, busy, busy, calm, busy, etc. etc. More busy time than calm time, from my point of view. It’s interesting what we can make time for when it’s towards the top of our priority list, like I did for post-a-day last year.

Coffee has been a motivator for me. And a curse. I think I’m too positivized to it. If that makes sense. Yes I know that’s not a word, but I just used it.

I’ve been cooking a lot lately. I think that’s taken the place of blogging. Which is okay, because I enjoy trying new recipes and messing with the ingredients. So far I’ve tried dinners for the family (including new side dishes), desserts, and a couple snacks. I’m thinking that I need to start a recipe box soon. Keep my favorites and throw out the rest. My mom has bugged me for years to start cooking and learning how she does things in the kitchen. I guess I’m a late bloomer in that, too. But hey, I’m doing it now and enjoying it quite a bit, so that’s what counts right?

Day29

I’ve been reading quite a few books lately also. Well. I keep starting new books. Right now I’m reading three at once, and have four more waiting to be read, including one which I won off of Goodreads. And by “right now” I mean, a few minutes here and there whenever I feel like I deserve a break from school work or want to relax my mind for half an hour before bed. So I haven’t gotten very far on any of the three. But it’s nice to know that I have books to fall back on when/if I need them.

Day31

Project 365 has been fun so far, although I’m kind of a slacker when it comes to getting them edited and posted on Facebook. Unfortunately. One of those priority things again, I think. As long as I *take* the photo…

~

I finished my first paper of my last semester of college today. And it was of a genre that I’d never specifically had to write before: a memoir. The paper was for my Women & Religion class, an interesting class with an eccentric but fun professor. In this memoir we had to write about an experience that shaped our view of gender and relate it to religion, or vice versa, and then analyze that experience using two outside sources and one in-class source. Interesting experience. I couldn’t come up with a single thing in my religious background/upbringing that impacted, shaped, affected, etc. my own gender or even my view of gender. That was probably the hardest part of the paper. Once I figured it out, it went down on paper the computer screen rather nicely (for the most part). Interestingly enough, I’ve enjoyed this class so far this semester than I thought I would.

Day27

Time for bed. A new week tomorrow. Oi. I got the stuff done that I needed to get done for tomorrow, so tomorrow I get to tackle the thing for Tuesday. That’s how it goes for me. Just keeping in step, never a step ahead, sometimes a step behind, but generally in step. Perhaps I’ll visit Starbucks tomorrow. I’d actually like to go to Caribou Coffee – for a change – but it’s a too far across town to justify driving all that way just for studying and coffee.

I can feel some little flickers of panic setting in for certain things, but I need to keep my head on straight. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Good night. Peace.

 

I Kind Of Miss Post-A-Day

Whadya’ll think of my new header & background? Pretty colorful, eh? Kind of different than what I had in mind, but I *really* like the colorful pawprints. It brightens it up a bit.

I’ve seriously missed blogging. When I was doing post-a-day, I made time to get a post up each and every day (obviously). Now that I’m not constrained by that, I let it slide. No big deal. I really didn’t have much to say over the weekend anyway, except that I’m going to miss Amberness until spring break. Hurry up and get here, March 2nd!

Oi.

So this semester is about 4 days in. And I’m already feeling the time restraints. Like bad. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to fit everything into my schedule, and have been thinking about my priorities. It’s tough. I’m afraid of spreading myself too thin and breaking down, because I feel like I’m already headed that way and at this rate I won’t make it to spring break with my mind in one piece. So accordingly, this was my photo for today.

Constrained Time

Constrained Time

I’m really trying to give my all to every single class. Get my papers done BEFORE the night before they’re due. Work harder at each class – visit professors, do extra credit, read every article/chapter for understanding and critical thinking instead of ‘just getting them read’, look ahead and NOT procrastinate on assignments. Really put my mind to each class and not waste precious time doing nonsense things like browsing Pinterest or staring into space (yes, I do that). That goes back to my (poor) time management skills of course.

One thing I’ve noticed that Project 365 is giving me something to ‘center’ on each day, kind of like post-a-day did in 2012. I wake up wondering what’s going to happen, what I’m going to come across that I’ll capture with a click. I look forward to it, and it’s only two weeks into the year! That’s encouraging, right? (Or it’s a warning that I’ve hit a high early and will crash into nothingness in another 2 weeks. In which case I’ll be screwed for the rest of the year. :P)

So you know that feeling where there’s something new in front of you, an opportunity to do something you haven’t done before, and your breath shortens and your mind frantically begins spilling reasons out of your ears why you can’t/shouldn’t/aren’t able to do such a thing? The feeling of stepping out of your comfort zone, where you just want to retreat into the known, the little bubble you live in every day, where everything is familiar and coffee with chocolate on the side? Yeah, I had the feeling today in the public library parking lot.

I checked my email on my phone.

I had an email from a new psych professor.

The preview began, “Hello everyone, and welcome to being a r…”

Holy crap, I thought. Wait a second, this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

My advisor mentioned a professor who was doing a research project for this semester and was looking for research assistants. I jumped on it, emailed her for info, filled out the form, and sent it back to her. I did this all in a rush before I could tell myself all the reasons why I wasn’t qualified, wasn’t good enough, not ready do it, didn’t have time, etc. etc. Then I told myself, There are a quite a few other psychos filling out the form, most of which who are probably more qualified than me, so whatever. I didn’t think about it after that. Then I got that email. Yeah, she chose me. And after I talked myself out of emailing her back with some out-of-my-ass reason why I wasn’t able to do it anymore, I became excited, scared, apprehensive all at the same time. Excited to get research experience. Scared because it’s something new that I’ve never done before. Apprehensive because I already have enough on my plate – can I really add *more* to it?!

Oi.

Life might not be too fun at the moment, but at least it’s not boring. Coffee & Breaking Bad with my bestie tomorrow night! <3

Parker-BW_2

Peace.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

Day3

“No matter how logical we are, our thinking doesn’t necessarily provide us with an accurate reflection of the truth… as soon as objective reality begins to make sense, that’s a sign that it’s already subjective.”

“Heisenberg Principle of Uncertainty…. The observer changes the thing observed.”

“…..we are seeing it all through the lens of our old stories, customary explanations, and habitual inner dialogues.”

“‘Reality’ is an interpretation we make of what happens to us that sets up up to act in ways consistent with our expectations – for good or bad.”

Peace.

End Of The World, Anyone?

Who thinks the world will end tomorrow? I, for one, am not too worried about it. Only hint that bugs me is that I won’t be able to fulfill my post-a-day for 2012. And I kinda really wanna finish it, especially since I’ve come so far.

Speaking of that, I haven’t gotten any suggestions for what to do with my blog in 2013 so I’ll probably be sticking with the usual (which disappoints some people, I know, but oh well). I’m throwing a few ideas around in my head, but some of it depends on reader feedback and such (which isn’t that great, honestly). Like giveaways. I’m not sure what I’d do a giveaway for but it’s a fun idea and if the interest was great enough I’d seriously consider doing it. Right now though, let’s make sure we all survive tomorrow. (;

Peace.

Where are the Dog Days of December?

This nice weather is seriously throwing me off. Of course, I haven’t given it much attention because I’ve been busy with other things, but 56 degrees on December 4th? I hope we have a white Christmas at least. :P

Speaking of that, I need to take my camera out and photograph more. I need to broaden my horizons, try to see things in different ways. Especially for this blog, so I have something to share more often instead of just my dogs.

~

I finished Susan Cain’s book today. And all I can say is wow. The first part of the book was about the extrovert ideal in our society. And the last chapter was about the parenting of an introverted child. Now nothing against my parents, but looking back at my childhood, I was definitely pressured and prodded to fit into the ‘extrovert’ mold. I never enjoyed going to school events, I’d rather sit at home and read. I didn’t like team sports, I did better work by myself when I could think on my own and not worry what the other people around me were doing. I played soccer as a kid. And I hated it, because of the social aspect of it. In high school, I dreaded getting up. I dreaded everything about it, but especially the people/social part. Being pushed into rooms with a bunch of kids all talking at once about pointless drama, and never getting time to be by myself. Looking back at that, man it’s crazii to see.

It went so far that I began thinking something was honest-to-God wrong with me. Why didn’t I enjoy going to support our high school football team? Why didn’t I have lots of friends that came over all the time? Why didn’t I have a boyfriend or even a big group of friends to sit with at lunch? I remember a time in elementary school when my mom’s biological son, who’s a pilot, came to talk about his job to my class. Man, I was so proud and excited. But then we went to recess (which I had always hated). And all I remember about that day is the look of confusion and dismay in his eyes when I didn’t rush off to play kickball or have a big group of kids to play with.

I felt ashamed. Not just then, but lots of other times as well. Ashamed in myself, for not being “normal.” I thought there was a ‘right’ way to do things and a ‘wrong’ way and I was getting it all wrong. But every time I did something MY way, it *felt* wrong, leading to more confusion. I never really accepted myself because I genuinely thought I was wrong, as in who I was & am as a person.

Quiet really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I’m sure if I re-read it, I’ll find even more information and stuff about me. A friend told me the other day how she avoided books that “explained who you are.” But Quiet didn’t explain who I was so much as explain how I did things, why I did things that way, and that IT IS OKAY TO BE THAT WAY!

Relief. Still a learning process, but relief.

Peace.

November 1st: Letter C

What else comes to mind first when given the photo prompt “the letter C” but coffee?! Actually, I first thought chocolate  but coffee was a close second and it was fitting, what with the first day of Starbucks seasonal red cups and my branching out to try a different Starbucks drink than the norm. I tried the regular medium roast today, the dark roast yesterday. And tomorrow I’ll probably try the blonde roast. It’s like the salted caramel mocha is making it easier to try different drinks. (:

~

Today didn’t start out all that great honestly. I woke up late, got to class late, and felt flustered, overwhelmed, and fed up with… school and stuff, until about 3pm when I had a nice lunch date courtesy of Dustin. Then a short Starbucks visit, because I wanted to avoid the home-cooked dinner of liver & onions that my wonderful mom graciously made my father.

It’s so hard to stay positive on days like this one, or how this one started out, anyway. Feeling overwhelmed, like I’m going to fail on what I need to do or get done, like there’s so much stuff to do I’m being buried under it all and can’t get out. I can see where I need to be –> meaning the mindset I need to be in, in order to succeed – but I don’t know how to get there. This unconscious mind shtuff is difficult to get the hang of. :P

I’m going to try to do November Photo-A-Day this month, post my photos each day, as well as extra or more substantial stuff. Can’t guarantee good posts on weekends, however.

Peace.