I can’t believe it is almost 2013. AND that I’m almost done with the post-a-day challenge. Not going to lie, when Ashley started her’s last January, I thought to myself, “That’s something I wouldn’t be able to do.” Looking back on that, I wonder why I thought that.
Looking back at my life, at how I was or acted at certain ages, makes me cringe. I see myself as being such a messed up child back then, up until four-ish years ago.
And it wasn’t until late this year that I started to *really* pay attention to myself. To myself as a person and how I fit into this world.
About a week ago I was in the Hy-Vee parking lot walking back to my car. I don’t remember what I got or who I was with. All I remember is seeing people going about their everyday lives: loading the car with freshly-bought groceries, buckling kids into car seats, talking on the phone while walking into the store. And I had a moment where I realized that all these people literally have their own lives and can do whatever they like. They make the decisions of what they do, where they go, who they interact with. Sure, we’re all part of our city, our state, our nation, governments give us guidelines on things. But each of us is an individual and even though I was thinking this in the context of other peoples’ lives, I was including myself with them.
This might not be news to some people, but it is to me. And it matters to me.
I mentioned a couple days ago on here, something about different wavelengths. I felt that again today, but in reality I feel it every day at different levels. Every single person has their own wavelength. Some people just don’t get along. Or maybe you know someone that you just don’t understand. Those wavelengths don’t add up, or mesh well. Other people we describe as ‘meant to be together’ whether it be in romance or friendship. Those wavelengths are similar. But where do our wavelengths come from? If I find that out, I’ll be sure to tell you.
I’ve been noticing that some people give the new year a name. Like, “The Year of Growth” or “The Year of Change” or “The Year of Self-Actualization.” I’ve never understood that, because I’ve never been able to consciously control that sort of thing. But looking back at this year, I’m almost tempted to give it the name of “The Year of Self-Realization.”
I don’t want to say that what I am now is purely because I consciously put effort into it. I feel like it’s been more than that. Motivational speakers and self-help books and websites encourage a positive attitude and trying to see the ups of a bad situation. What I’ve realized is that they’re missing a vital part of the process: the foundation. You can’t just “change your attitude” on a whim. You can’t just “see the bright side of things” when you’ve conditioned and rewarded yourself (that’s the dog trainer in me coming out) to be negative and condescending to situations and people in your disfavor. There’s a starting point you have to take.
I’m not expert; I’m only sharing my personal experience and thoughts on it. I think the starting point for me was the acceptance that my attitude on things sucked, that I had a ‘losing’ view on life, that I was always looking for the negative things in life. Acceptance. Where do you go from there? I went to where it just felt right. I let go a little bit and trusted myself, kept good intentions in my subconscious to fuel the path. I can’t say I had a complete and detailed image of who I wanted (want) to be as a person, but I had a general feel and outline, particularly that I did NOT want to be where I was then (now).
It’s a process. And I want to keep growing.