Today was the beginning of a new week. And with it came with lots of stressors. My boyfriend says I have too much on my plate. At this rate, I almost wish I could go back to my crazii summer work schedule; that was elementary compared to all the mental gymnastics I seem to be doing now. And by mental gymnastics I mean trying to figure out how to organize everything, when things are due, juggling classes, assignments, and projects, as well as my photography on the side.
The worst part of it is, I feel like I’m sinking. I’m not in the right mindset to get anything accomplished, at least not to the best of my ability, if at all. Things that dissatisfy, annoy me, or get to me, feed the cycle: trash strewn in my car, a messy desk in my room, Jayde’s pleading eyes to go outside and play when I’m trying to study or research, my up-and-down bank account, registering for my last semester of college classes and realizing that I owe even more money, the sudden knowledge that I’m missing a necessary class to graduate that is only being offered during the fall (i.e. right now), looming deadlines on a certain huge project. And then there are my thoughts: what am I going to do when/if I graduate, what if I don’t get into any grad schools, feeling guilty for depending on my parents so much, feeling guilty for not giving Jayde enough attention, feeling guilty for not being a good enough friend, feeling guilty for being rude/mean to my loved ones when I’m in a bad mood or having a bad day. The list goes on.
Interestingly enough, I do have the image in my head that “I will get through all this” instead of an “It’s the end of the world” image. But it isn’t really making any of it easier to deal with.
I apologize for this ranting, venting, self-centered post. I don’t want to sound like a “poor little me.” I normally wouldn’t post something like this, because it isn’t the type of thing I necessarily want to reveal to the public. I’m sort of a “Suck it up and deal with it on your own” type of person, not really the type to reveal my problems to others for help, and especially not the public. But I decided to blog it out. Because I wouldn’t have/don’t have anything else to blog about. This is what has been on and off (mostly on) my mind all weekend. And that’s what this blog is for, my thoughts and feelings. Please don’t judge me too harshly.