You know what’s taken me literally 21 years of my life to realize?
That there is no such thing as “right” in this life. Nor is there any “wrong.” You can live however you want, however you feel is best, in whatever and whichever way makes you happy.
I say I’ve realized this, but that doesn’t mean I’ve put it into play yet. I’m still figuring that part out.
From the time I entered middle school, I had the idea in my head that there was a right way to live, a right way to dress, a right way to act in every possible situation, a right way to do this or that, and every other way was wrong. Pretty messed up, huh? I always felt “left behind” in relation to my peers, not where I was supposed to be. And I took this feeling as a sign that I wasn’t doing the ‘right’ thing yet. So I tried harder. I used people I thought had “it all together” as templates, copying them and taking up their habits, the way they talked, the way they dressed, as if that would somehow make everything magically “right” for me and I would be “okay.”
Conclusion: it didn’t work.
Lesson: it never will.
So now I’ve begun the process of looking inside. Inside myself, my heart and soul. Trying to find what it is that I buried so long ago, labeling it “wrong.” Trying to find me. It all starts with me, and I’m trying. God knows, I’m trying. <3
And someday, when I find that thing I lost, that thing I buried. When I reconcile with my past and know in my heart that I didn’t suck at life as a kid. When I find myself and believe in myself…
…hopefully I will feel Peace.