I got myself wrapped in stress again last night. As I was laying in bed I began thinking about what I’m going to do when school starts again (picking my senior thesis project, keeping my grades up), when I graduate (paying off loans, entering graduate school), the things I have to do now to prepare for the future (take the GRE, finish grad school apps), all the little things I need to do in the next couple weeks (pay my insurance, call places back, turn in an internship app), the whole job situation (calling places where I turned in apps, figuring out when to put my 2 weeks in for my current job, figuring out the hours I’ll be able to work at each job), and biggest of all, money. I really hate that stuff when there’s not enough of it, and that’s all the time. I’m not saying if I was rich I’d be happy, but it would be a big thing checked off my worry list, and that would be a major relief.
They say these are the best years of your life, and to enjoy them while they last, but I don’t like unsureity (yes, a new word I invented ;)). I prefer knowing what’s coming next (no tentativeness or sudden changes or disruptions without a notice at the very least) so I can brace myself, plan it out as best I can, at least try to get a handle on things. But that doesn’t work if you’re not sure if you’re going to get the job you want, if you don’t get into grad school like you’re leaning on, if something comes up and there’s not enough money in the bank to handle it.
I’ve been stronger the past couple years than in the past, holding my chin up higher and being more confident about what I’m going to do, where I’m going to go, what I *want* to do – keeping the worrying at bay. But now isn’t one of those times. Right now I’m feeling the stress of being unsure about everything. I think about all sorts of things I wish I would have done differently when I first entered college. And the ‘what-ifs’ bump around in my head, giving me a headache. No fun at all.