She is beautiful

I read a blog post yesterday that had an impact on me, and I’ve read it about 30 times since then.

Being Selfish (This woman takes some breathtaking photographs and each blog post is inspiring, to me at least. I hope you feel the same.)

Like I said in yesterday’s post, it was right around the time when I began, what I call, living for me, that Dustin wandered into my life. The saying rings true:

“Everything you ever wanted comes the moment you stop looking for it.”

This is a good quote, but it’s also perplexing because it kind of makes it sound like you should basically give up on what you want, accept the idea that you’ll never get what you want, and settle for whatever does happen to come your way. From my personal experience and observations, it seems to me that the more you chase something, the faster it slips out of your sight. Then comes the idea of balance. Finding that balance between accepting the idea that you’ll never get what you want and never losing sight of your aspirations. I believe that once you know what is over the deep, dark edge that scares the ba-jeebers out of you, you can come to grips with it. Facing your fear, so to speak. How does this relate to the ‘Selfish’ post?

While I was growing up, I was so easily influenced by those around me. It began with a person who should be your sidekick and best friend – my sister. It’s not a nice feeling to never measure up, never be “good enough” to hang out with your big sis, to not wear the right clothes, be too pale and have freckles, to wear glasses, and be judged for it all. I’d be the first to say that I rather lacked a natural backbone in my adolescent years, the one that gives most teens and young adults the “fuck-it” attitude. I let myself be pushed around, tried to look the right way, act the right way, always trying to gain acceptance. Looking back on it, I wonder who I was trying to be accepted by. In the end I realized it was my own thoughts that battered me down, that made me doubt myself, that put a limit on what I could do and who I could be.

In the past few years, I’ve been growing my own “backbone” of sorts. With falters and bumps and scruffs and even some walls along the way, I’ve brought myself to a point where other opinions don’t matter, where I’ve realized that I’m actually NOT naturally shy (as I used to think), I’m just reserved, and also realized that I am much more hard-headed and sarcastic than I ever would have labeled myself as. I don’t hesitate in describing myself as somewhat of a bitch to people, because I think it is true, and have been told numerous times that I am mean. Before you start getting bad thoughts of me in your head, take note that I respect others and don’t treat anybody wrong (as far as I can tell). I believe describing me as “mean” is a way of saying I don’t put up with crap. Simple and true. With all of that, I have found out a lot about myself now that I’ve quit living for other people. I’m still on this journey and probably always will be. I look forward to it.

That being said, I agree with Tracie’s post about being selfish. I believe I need to start putting some more ME time in my days, doing things for me rather than other people. It is something I don’t do often and sounds super beneficial, fun, and relaxing. I wonder if I could make it into a project of sorts for this summer perhaps. We’ll see. (:

Peace.

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2 comments on “She is beautiful

  1. I think it’s super important that you take time out for yourself… and seriously wish you all the best on your journey of self creation. Sounds to me, like you are on the right track… hugs xxoo

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