It never fails. Ever. Life is so cruel. Death is so sudden, in every situation, even if you know weeks in advance a life is ending.
I didn’t know him personally. I’d talked to him over Facebook, and through my unbiological sister, who was much much closer to him than I. But it still doesn’t make sense in my head. The two things are refusing to connect. Someone so young. It doesn’t happen, it can’t happen.
I’ll be driving to work, to and from school, in Walmart, and suddenly it’ll strike me, and then the world seems to flip upside down. My breath catches in my throat, the road in front of me narrows. I’ve never known the feeling of something completely making no sense yet knowing deep down it just is. It just IS and nobody and nothing will or can change that. Is that what denial, or shock feels like? Or both? It’s just wrong, and I wish I could scream that out loud. But I can’t. Because saying it out loud will make it real.
Happy 22nd Birthday.
None of it makes sense. It probably never will. The worst kind of pain is someone else’s pain, because I can’t take it away. I was going to meet you someday. How messed up is this world?
I’ve been pausing before saying things like “I wish this week was over” and “Is it closing time yet?” And been feeling guilty when something like that slips out. Because I know that there are so many people who would give almost anything to share those days that I – we – all wish away without a single thought. It’s shocking how much we take life for granted. And it’s sad how the only way we can open our eyes to how special our lives are is through our own death. And by then it’s too late, so the lesson is useless.
Human beings are amazing creatures. We can think, hope, dream, wish, ponder, speculate, and do so many other things that are not attributed to other animals, and yet our biggest curse is that we don’t appreciate life like we should. It’s like a cruel trick of life: to make it so short, so sweet yet painful, and to never able to understand its true value.
Rest in peace <3